A Climate Change Denialist Dies and Goes to Hell, or The Tale of Joe (in 3 parts)

what eye thynk:  Part 1 - Unfortunately for Joe, he received his "education" in one of those states where the people in charge believe the earth is only 6000 years old and dinosaurs lived beside man.  In Joe's home state, nobody bothered to study for their science tests because Pat Robertson told them science was evil, so Joe cheated in order to keep his GPA as high as possible because he wanted to get into a good school like Liberty University where he could be trained to be a "Champion for Christ."  

When Joe graduated, he returned to his home state and got himself elected to the State Board of Education where he continued the good work of discouraging more young people from studying science and where he helped re-write science textbooks to make them more Bible-centric. (That Darwin evolution stuff has to go!  Pat Robertson, looking a little worse for wear, is still around and he KNOWS Darwin was wrong!)   

Then Joe's state had a terrible storm and lots of people died.  Pat said it was all the fault of homosexuals, and explained that evil scientists--who blamed the disruption in normal climate patterns on man-influenced climate change and who said we needed to do something about it right now--were lying because they loved homosexuals and wanted gay people to run the world and kill all the Christians.

So Joe became a member of his state's legislature where he wrote new religious freedom laws that denied homosexuals services and housing and other stuff in order to make them so unhappy they would voluntarily move into one of Pat's Protection-from-Perverts camps, which Pat said would have high walls to keep the homos in and Christians safe.  (Send your tax-deductible offering to the address on your screen and your official PPP booklet explaining how you can own your very own PPP franchise will be in the mail!  Pat accepts Visa, MasterCard, American Express, PayPal and Bitcoins! No personal checks please.) 

Part 2 - The fight still wasn't over when Joe reached the new official retirement age of 85 in a time when there was no more Social Security.  He was forced to live on the street after his fellow Republicans closed all the shelters and told him he needed to take responsibility for himself.

Still, Joe was thankful that he didn't need a blanket now that the average year-round temperature was 106 degrees, and he was especially thankful that he could watch free broadcasts of Pat Robertson's 700 Club from his cardboard box on the bank of the Gulf of Mexico in Northern Louisiana.  Pat Robertson, (now preserved by the Rick Santorum School of Christian Taxidermy and animated by Michelle Bachmann's New Westboro Evangelical Baptist Puppet Ministry), promises that once all the money is in and all the homosexuals are hidden away, Jesus will come down and recreate America circa 1954 where all the women will wear high-heels while they clean the oven and serve Jello salad on Sunday to men who all have jobs in middle management. Pat says God spoke to him personally and told him that He will even be bringing back the dinosaurs and they will all turn out to be cuddly and purple like Barney.

Part 3 - So Joe sent Pat his last 54 cents, starved to death, and met the devil--who, it turned out, looks a lot like Pat Robertson.  And all because he didn't study his science book in third grade. 

The End.