Today being April Fools' Day, I'd like to remind everyone that Ted Cruz' announcement was not, in fact, an early April 1st prank, though his bid for the White House is still pretty much a joke.
A Word from the Professionals:
Jimmy Fallon:
"Texas Senator Ted Cruz officially announced that he's running for president. Cruz said that after doing exhaustive research to see if he had a real chance to win, he said, 'I'm gonna run anyway.'"
Conan O'Brien:
1) Ted Cruz released a presidential campaign video in Spanish. Cruz explained, 'It's important for me to reach out to the people I'm trying to deport."
2) "Texas Senator and Tea Party favorite Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He pledged to lead America boldly forward into the 1950s."
David Letterman:
1) "Tea Party candidate Ted Cruz, Republican Senator from Texas, wants to be president. That means he's one step closer to being a Fox News analyst."
2) "Donald Trump and Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham all running for president. It's all part of the Republican plan to make Jeb Bush look presidential."
Warren Holstein:
"Ted Cruz could illustrate his best qualities by obstructing his own campaign."
Lewis Black:
"I took LSD in my youth, and it didn't prepare me for him."what eye thynk: Late night TV hosts and everyone at SNL must be some of the happiest people on earth right now.
A Word from the Amateurs (via Twitter) #TedCruzCampaignSlogans:
@JJLudemann: Campaign song: Born Near the USA!
@AmericanMoocher: I'm proof there's no evolution.
@Islandgirl)OK: McCarthyism is the path of our future.
@GregtheWright: Let's get addicted to Koch.
@AnnoyedGamer: Because there hasn't been an idiot in the White House since 2007.
@sirmitchell: Let's embarrass America. Together.
@TibHay3: Because Jesus doesn't want dinosaurs to get gay married!
There are literally thousands more, but I have to leave room for...
Greg Gutfeld, co-host of The Five: "Aren't we tired of having a president who wasn't born here?"
Megyn Kelly, interviewing Mr. Cruz following his announcement and after letting him blather on about his time as a U.S. Senator: "What have you actually accomplished?"
When Megyn Kelly points out your lack of achievements, you're pretty much toast.
A Word from the Man Himself:
On climate change: "I'm like Galileo fighting against the flat earthers."
Which basically proves that he knows as much about history as he does about environmental science. Galileo's fight with the Catholic church had nothing to do with the shape of the planet. Magellan ended that debate when he circumnavigated the earth nearly 50 years before Galileo was born.
On "Obamacare": "I don't think it's government's job to find health care for people I think it's the individual's job to find health care."
And Ted, "the individual" did exactly that--by signing up for government health care.
On immigration: "If you support amnesty, you should vote for the Democrats."
Good advice.
On U.S. citizenship: (Attempting to avoid his own birther movement over his being born in Canada.) "My mother was born in Wilmington, Delaware. She's a U.S. citizen, so I'm a U.S. citizen.
Unlike President Obama who is Kenyan because his mother was born in Wichita, Kansas and he was born in Hawaii.
On being a Senator: "My focus has been and will continue to be on doing my job."
As a member of the Senate Armed Forces committee, Mr. Cruz has skipped 13 of 16 hearings so far this year, earning him the worst committee attendance record in the Senate.
On religion: "Far too many candidates wear their faith on their sleeve."
Before announcing his candidacy, not in his home state, but at Virginia's Liberty University--a school whose homepage proudly proclaims they are "Training Champions for Christ."
I'm going to leave it to comedian Warren Holstein to provide the perfect finale:
"Ted Cruz still exists. I'm really sorry April 1st isn't going to change that."
No comments:
Post a Comment